The Lord seems to always find ways to give me little reminders...to inspire me...to help me carry on. These last 8 months have been hard. The last few months...I've been in a fog. Not feeling as strong, I think, not being carried anymore. Left to my own strength and defenses. I have felt weak. Unable to deal with all the day to day. I have felt like that poem Footprints in the Sand, where there has definitely been only one set (not mine). Then now to come off of that feeling, like I've been carried through the worst of it and now set back down, has been a little hard. I feel like I have been struggling with myself, knowing that I need to work a little harder to feel His strength.
I think being the new year has not helped...the excitement that most people feel for a fresh new year has felt more foreboding to me. Worried at what this year might hold. Not really wanting to embrace it. But I know that if I don't choose to embrace this year I will only end up disappointed with myself for the opportunities that have been lost.
I have still been working on my Art Journal, I have several words to catch up on (though the pages are already in my head), and this relates how you wonder? One of my words is 'fly'. The first thought that came to mind for that word was "i wish i could FLY away". Away from this bad dream we've been living. Away from feeling scared, away from feeling like all of this is preparing us for something else. I want to quit thinking about being in an accident every time I'm in the car. Worrying for the safety of my little family. Knowing that it CAN happen. More than anything, I wish my children did not know these same fears. I pondered doing my page about this for several days, then I remembered. I did fly. I flew in His arms as he carried me through the worst. That is what I want this word to represent. To remember that He knows me and will help me when I need it the most.
I have recently come across some blogs that have been huge reminders for me. That, though this experience has been long and truly hard, others are living through and surviving unimaginable tragedies. It helps to put me in my place. Not that our experience isn't as important, but there is worse. They teach me to be stronger. These experiences are for our strength and learning. Making us better people in some way. Learning lessons He wants us to know. I am constantly amazed by others strength. They are inspirations for me to want to be stronger and to be a better person.
I can honestly say that I have not once asked why us. I haven't felt sorry for myself (at least I don't think I have). The blessings we have received have been overwhelming. There are experiences we could have never learned otherwise. I am so thankful for that. I have seen blessings come to pass. I know what it is like to be carried. And even though I have felt like I want to escape, to be seriously alone for a time, I need to be stronger. I need to be the mother my children need. I need to get on top of my house! I need to find my sense of peace again, my natural happiness. I need to quit being afraid and enjoy everything that I have right now. So, with spring, I am trying to embrace the beauty of a new year. Breaking into the backyard, cleaning it up, enjoying the sound of my children playing outside. Hoping that this summer will be spent as a family out by the pool, bbq's, enjoying each other. Feeling free. That is my hope for this new year, to feel free, to not need as many blessings as we have the past 2 years.
I feel so lucky to be a part of this little blogging world. To constantly be inspired by others strength and to feel support from all of you. To feel like I have a voice and to not be completely isolated. To have my eyes opened, to get that little reality check every once in a while.