A Path Made Way

Looking back today, it's easy to see how the path was laid before me. How I was mentally braced for this day 1 year ago. I'd felt uneasy about the trip from the moment it was planned. Couldn't say why, couldn't tell him not to go. I just knew deep down inside that I didn't want him to go. All my friends remember me talking about that while he was gone. Then that night...I felt off. I just wanted him to walk through the door. I had been listening to church music while I scrapped and a song came round over and over and I felt like it was for me. It was a song asking the Lord to stay by your side through the hardest thing...i cried every time it came on.

So when that phone rang, I was ready for it. I knew it was bad before I even picked it up...the spirit had been whispering to me, bracing me. So when the nurse talked to me, I was calm. I took the information in and then hung up the phone and sat there as the tears started to pour.

My first instinct was to grab some stuff, wake my kids and throw them in the car...at 4 in the morning. But I couldn't. Samantha was sick and I had planned to get her into quick care the second they opened that morning. I was sure she had strep and couldn't leave without taking care of her first. She'd been suffering the whole night.

It was a Friday and most of our clothes were dirty. So I did laundry in the dark in between phone calls from Canada, Idaho, and Utah. I did laundry while my husband was being life flighted to Salt Lake. And I waited...for quick care to open. I remember standing in my closet at one point staring at my clothes, for like 10 minutes, unable to choose. I showered, all in the dark. I wanted my kids to sleep as long as possible. Then I had to wake them, and tell them. Try to tell them, without breaking down.

As the hours passed by I wondered how on earth I would be able to drive the 6 hours to Salt Lake. I didn't know what I was going to do. I thought that was too much a favor to ask someone, to take me. But I thought of one person I knew could do it...unfortunately when I got a hold of him he was still out of town. But unknown to me he started making calls. While I was at quick care for what I thought should only be an hour, my little world started looking for me. We got into quick care right away, we were the first ones there. But the crazy dr. didn't know what was wrong with her and ordered all kinds of extra testing, blood and urine from my 4 year old. Testing that took THREE hours! I was beside myself.

During those 3 hours I finally decided to turn my phone back on and I had a million messages. My family was looking for me. My sweet brothers were making plans to hit the road and meet me half way so I wouldn't have to drive the whole trip. Friends had left messages offering to take me. There were offers to keep my kids. There were so many offers, I was amazed.

As hard as it was to sit in quick care for 3 hours I knew when I got home that the Lord had prepared everything I needed in that time. That time was needed to get everything together on my behalf. By the way...they couldn't find anything wrong with Samantha.

When I pulled into my garage my bishop and his wife pulled in behind me. Ready...ready to drive me to Utah. Friends showed up behind them. They fed my kids a very late breakfast. Cleaned things up while I finished gathering what we needed. They packed my car, gassed it up and put my little family in the car.

The blessings were pouring in that day and the path was made way for me. As I sat there...riding for hours, my husband underwent surgery. I had to give consent over the phone. I spoke with triage, nurses, doctors, family. All these conversations took place in front of my children. There was no way to protect them from what was going on.

That was the LONGEST trip of my life. I seriously thought we would NEVER get there. As prepared as I had been for this day I was not prepared for the severity of his injuries nor the condition I would find him in.

It was 10:00 that night when I finally got to the hospital. Surrounded by family and friends was my husband whom I barely recognized. He was on a ventilator, covered in wounds. It was hard to know everything he had been through this day...without me by his side. Looking back now I think I must have been in shock for 2 days. There was just so much "to do", so many things to take care of and people to talk to. It wasn't until Sunday that I lost it. And i lost it HARD. The man I knew wasn't "there". And I worried whether or not I would get him back and what he would go through to recover. That day I felt more scared than I ever had in my entire life. Reality was sinking in.

For two weeks I got up early, dragged my poor kids to a relatives home and left them for the entire day. Over and over. Every few days I would tear myself from Doug and try to spend some time with them, to help them feel secure in their unsure little world. So much happened in that time and so many blessings were felt.

I often wondered if life would ever be the same for us again. I wanted it back so bad. It's amazing to look back now after one year, of everything that we have been through, and to know that we will never be the same. But that's ok. We have grown so much and experienced things we could never have otherwise. I have felt the Savior in my life in ways I never knew. I have been humbled beyond belief. Both Doug and I believe that miracles happened that day for us.

Hard doesn't even begin to describe what we have been through this last year but I am so grateful that today I feel whole again. Changed, with a new sense of happiness. So grateful for everything that we have and for everyday that we have together.