Sunday, July 6, 2008

A Path Made Way

Looking back today, it's easy to see how the path was laid before me. How I was mentally braced for this day 1 year ago. I'd felt uneasy about the trip from the moment it was planned. Couldn't say why, couldn't tell him not to go. I just knew deep down inside that I didn't want him to go. All my friends remember me talking about that while he was gone. Then that night...I felt off. I just wanted him to walk through the door. I had been listening to church music while I scrapped and a song came round over and over and I felt like it was for me. It was a song asking the Lord to stay by your side through the hardest thing...i cried every time it came on.

So when that phone rang, I was ready for it. I knew it was bad before I even picked it up...the spirit had been whispering to me, bracing me. So when the nurse talked to me, I was calm. I took the information in and then hung up the phone and sat there as the tears started to pour.

My first instinct was to grab some stuff, wake my kids and throw them in the car...at 4 in the morning. But I couldn't. Samantha was sick and I had planned to get her into quick care the second they opened that morning. I was sure she had strep and couldn't leave without taking care of her first. She'd been suffering the whole night.

It was a Friday and most of our clothes were dirty. So I did laundry in the dark in between phone calls from Canada, Idaho, and Utah. I did laundry while my husband was being life flighted to Salt Lake. And I waited...for quick care to open. I remember standing in my closet at one point staring at my clothes, for like 10 minutes, unable to choose. I showered, all in the dark. I wanted my kids to sleep as long as possible. Then I had to wake them, and tell them. Try to tell them, without breaking down.

As the hours passed by I wondered how on earth I would be able to drive the 6 hours to Salt Lake. I didn't know what I was going to do. I thought that was too much a favor to ask someone, to take me. But I thought of one person I knew could do it...unfortunately when I got a hold of him he was still out of town. But unknown to me he started making calls. While I was at quick care for what I thought should only be an hour, my little world started looking for me. We got into quick care right away, we were the first ones there. But the crazy dr. didn't know what was wrong with her and ordered all kinds of extra testing, blood and urine from my 4 year old. Testing that took THREE hours! I was beside myself.

During those 3 hours I finally decided to turn my phone back on and I had a million messages. My family was looking for me. My sweet brothers were making plans to hit the road and meet me half way so I wouldn't have to drive the whole trip. Friends had left messages offering to take me. There were offers to keep my kids. There were so many offers, I was amazed.

As hard as it was to sit in quick care for 3 hours I knew when I got home that the Lord had prepared everything I needed in that time. That time was needed to get everything together on my behalf. By the way...they couldn't find anything wrong with Samantha.

When I pulled into my garage my bishop and his wife pulled in behind me. Ready...ready to drive me to Utah. Friends showed up behind them. They fed my kids a very late breakfast. Cleaned things up while I finished gathering what we needed. They packed my car, gassed it up and put my little family in the car.

The blessings were pouring in that day and the path was made way for me. As I sat there...riding for hours, my husband underwent surgery. I had to give consent over the phone. I spoke with triage, nurses, doctors, family. All these conversations took place in front of my children. There was no way to protect them from what was going on.

That was the LONGEST trip of my life. I seriously thought we would NEVER get there. As prepared as I had been for this day I was not prepared for the severity of his injuries nor the condition I would find him in.

It was 10:00 that night when I finally got to the hospital. Surrounded by family and friends was my husband whom I barely recognized. He was on a ventilator, covered in wounds. It was hard to know everything he had been through this day...without me by his side. Looking back now I think I must have been in shock for 2 days. There was just so much "to do", so many things to take care of and people to talk to. It wasn't until Sunday that I lost it. And i lost it HARD. The man I knew wasn't "there". And I worried whether or not I would get him back and what he would go through to recover. That day I felt more scared than I ever had in my entire life. Reality was sinking in.

For two weeks I got up early, dragged my poor kids to a relatives home and left them for the entire day. Over and over. Every few days I would tear myself from Doug and try to spend some time with them, to help them feel secure in their unsure little world. So much happened in that time and so many blessings were felt.

I often wondered if life would ever be the same for us again. I wanted it back so bad. It's amazing to look back now after one year, of everything that we have been through, and to know that we will never be the same. But that's ok. We have grown so much and experienced things we could never have otherwise. I have felt the Savior in my life in ways I never knew. I have been humbled beyond belief. Both Doug and I believe that miracles happened that day for us.

Hard doesn't even begin to describe what we have been through this last year but I am so grateful that today I feel whole again. Changed, with a new sense of happiness. So grateful for everything that we have and for everyday that we have together.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

The Lemon Magnet

That seems to be me. My laptop...on the fritz...again! This time, it's bad. I may have a bad hard drive. Have to wait and see what miracles can be performed. Praying...all my pictures will come back with it. My computer man says he'll get em for me, not to worry. OK! So once again, I'm basically picture less over here. I suppose I could install my programs on this computer and load pictures here, but I don't feel like dealing with that. We'll just have to wait.

The other lemon factor in my life...our oven. Fixed it just over a year ago for A LOT of money. Was told it should be good for life. Apparently life meant 1 year and 4 months. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH! Now, we will just have to buy a new stove. Will not fix this one again. Since when did stoves get so expensive????? And please tell me people, that a stove will last more than 4 years without having to be repaired and or replaced.

I was able to scan one of Kristen's dance pictures (well, the only one I forked out money for anyway). So here is my little lovely in her High School Musical costume. Isn't she adorable. She was SO excited about this picture, it's all she talked about. How the photographer put the numbers on her foot, how she was the FIRST one he tried this pose on. She also had a ballet number but of course there was a malfunction with the photographer and we didn't even get any of those. So my pics of her are trapped on my laptop right now.

(i couldn't even trim the dang thing!)

The day of her recital we headed up to Utah as soon as it was over. Spent Fathers Day with all our family, mine and Doug's. It was a lot of fun and so great to see almost everyone.

That Monday we took Nathan to BYU for basketball camp. He was so excited to stay in the dorms with friends and be away from home for 4 days. Picking him up...not as exciting as dropping him off. He was exhausted to say the least, felt like he'd been done wrong, picked on, blamed for everything, downright ornery and never wanting to go back again! We stopped for some dinner after and he fell asleep in my lap! I decided to delay my judgement on this camp and his experience till after he'd had a good nights sleep. The next day he felt much better and was telling everyone he'd had a good time. As the days went by he talked about it more and realized he'd learned a lot, not everyone is going to be nice, basketball camp is hard but worth it and that he would be going next year. I guess it was a learning experience for him on controlling his emotions and dealing with being on his own without his parents to defend him.

While Nathan was at camp the girls and I (Jack was an honorary girl for the week) had a great week. Played lots, shopped at all the right places (though I was quite frugal all week for some horrible reason)...Tai Pan, Ikea, Build a Bear, Archivers, Roberts. The girls had money and purchased new build a bears and we got Jack his first one (a scruffy dog) and had him record his voice and put in the dog...it's stinkin' cute. He says "I'da capain...argh", being the pirate freak that he is. Ate at the Training Table several times, yummy. Spent time with grandma's, cousins, aunts and uncles. Spent a night with Lisa Forsyth...laughed and giggled like a bunch of girls. By weeks end my car was FULL, I had a migraine, we were pooped and ready to get home and see Daddy. So we did!

When I get my computer back I'll share pictures of a couple of cute finds and the curtains in the girls room.