On My Mind

Do you ever mentally write a blog post???
I've been writing one in my mind for about a month now.
Haven't had the nerve to actually "put it out there".
But it's not going away....I think I just need to document this.
I think it's funny that we (as bloggers) will open our hearts and write personal things and throw it out for all the world to see.....why do we do that??? I think for me, it's easier to write what I feel than to say it out loud. And they aren't always conversations I would strike up with a friend.

This time of year used to be really hard for me....but as time has gone by I have kind of let it go, forgotten if you may. It's Father Day that kills me. (silly, I feel nervous just writing this now....such a painful subject for me).

Eleven years ago, this month...my 5 brothers and I buried our father. A spouse didn't bury him, his children did. I rarely talk about it, almost never actually. My oldest brother reminded me this year, he texted me on the day. He will never get over it, it almost killed him more than any of us I think. All 5 of them met Doug and I at the airport when we flew in from Texas less than 24 hours after the fact. I loved them for that.

I used to have the greatest dad ever. He loved us so much. Then I don't know what happened. He left my mom (we were mostly grown by then) and he remarried a woman that changed him. He left us all. She isolated him, she didn't like us and wanted nothing to do with any of us. She pretended when she had to, but I saw the change in my dad. He wasn't the person I knew. Our relationship became very strained. I hardly ever saw him. It seemed like he had to sneak away for a quick visit when I had my first baby, like he wasn't allowed or something. He was not the grandfather I knew he could be. Then we moved out of state. During that time he separated from his wife and moved back to the town everyone lived in.

I was so happy! We all were. I felt like I would get my dad back. That we would have a new start, that we could repair the relationship. He jumped right in to doing things with his boys again, they had just gone fishing (or hunting??). I was going to tell him we were expecting our second child.....

And then he was gone. He left us again, he chose to leave us....again. I'm still so angry at him. I feel so betrayed and I will never understand. I can't even go to his grave site. I've been only once or twice. It's funny, I'm so weak in areas I didn't expect to be. It surprises me that I can't go there. I would rather not think about it.

Every once in a while I will see him....a man at the grocery store, a grandpa at the park...I hear his songs on the radio, in a store. I admittedly am so jealous of those who have a father...that they are close to.

I honestly don't know why I'm sharing this. I think sometimes I just want to acknowledge the fact that I had a father. That he existed. That I learned so much from him and that I love him. Despite everything that happened, I love him and miss having him in my life so much.

One thing my brothers and I have always been able to do is laugh at the memories...reminisce about our childhood and the things our father did and said. He was a bit of a cowboy, would threaten us with the long arm of the law! Loved his country music and his guitar... and we all love country music too. Had his cowboy hat and boots, and Farah Fawcett t-shirt! He gave us a great childhood...we have lots of good memories and it's those memories that carry me. Not the last 6 years of his life, but everything before that.

I need to get better at telling my kids about him. They know he's gone, but I don't talk about him. I just can't without crying and I don't want them to see that. But maybe, if I talk about him more it will get easier. It's been 11 years, you'd think it would be easier.

I'm going to hurry and hit publish, before I chicken out again and hold onto this post even longer!